It’s been awhile since I’ve had anything resembling a moment of panic regarding my diagnosis. I don’t cry about it, I don’t get freaked out about it, I don’t obsess over the things I won’t have completed if I am to die soon. I feel like the same person I’ve been for years*, or at least since my last life-changing moment (when I accepted that I just don’t really like Radiohead and I should stop trying).
While I don’t feel like I’ve been in disbelief about my prognosis, I do think the fact that I’ve been nearly symptom free for over 6 months has contributed to a calmer mindset. It’s been long enough that I feel that I’ve accepted that I’ll die young, and the idea doesn’t scare me on a day to day basis. It’s hard to push myself into taking on stricter medicinal or dietary regimens because I’ve resumed living a normal, healthy life and what most people consider minor lifestyle adjustments don’t appear as life-or-death as they perhaps should for someone in my circumstance.
Spending time reading glioblastoma literature tonight has pushed me back into a stage where I feel like shit for not trying harder to improve my survival time. Current GBM treatments are almost definitely not going to cure me of cancer, but some methods could lengthen my life by months or years. The only promise of me ever being “cured” lies in the rate of growth in technology in the medical industry. I think it’s feasible that GBM could be cured in the next 10 years, as phase 1 trials are already pushing the median survival time to 3 times what it is with the standard of care. What I need to be doing more aggressively is trying to live longer – long enough that I could see a long-term survival improvement and potentially a cure.
Anyway, what I’ve decided is that I’m going to stop being a baby about the whole thing and take on a more aggressive approach in my diet (strictly ketogenic) and look into adding some alternative treatments to my regimen.
I don’t want this blog to turn into a compilation of the boring intricacies of my emotional response to having cancer, but I know that some people are curious and uncomfortable with asking me upfront about this aspect of my condition.
TLDR; I’m doing well enough that I forget that I should be trying to not get cancer again soon. Trying to not forget.
*Not totally true – some minor lifestyle changes have occurred due to me trying to “live without regrets”, for instance:
-I don’t try to find a nice rounded-looking number when I’m adjusting the volume on the TV. Yeah, that’s right, I could set the volume to 25 cause it looks better than 24, but 24 is “just right” so DEAL WITH IT, WORLD.
-No more flossing. Flossing makes my breath smell better, but if cancer wants to condemn me and my teeth, then I’m not investing time making them plaque-free.
-Josh cleans the cats’ litterboxes. I don’t do that anymore.